24 Dec My Dating Journey – Adeel’s Story
One of our male members shared his story with us. This is Adeel’s dating journey to finding love.
I met my first girlfriend at university. We were young, having fun, going out drinking, and making new friends with other students. Things couldn’t have been better! We lived fairly close and it was convenient to see each other a lot. At that age I wasn’t ready or thinking about anything long term, but I just went with the flow over the course of 3 years. She had an image of us getting married at the age of about 24, and I thought I was happy with that.
Once I got my first job after uni, it felt like the next stage in my life had started. And I had to think about which way my life was headed. I ended the relationship as the distance was a big problem after we both moved back to our home towns.
It was an easy decision for me as I felt I had more important things to do, and we had drifted emotionally because of the long distance.
After that I started working on myself and learning how to get better with girls. I did get more successful with girls, but I still wasn’t the finished article. Reading books and finding mentors who had done great things helped me get a better perspective of life and the opportunities at my disposal, and also helped me get better at conversation with new people.
I started online dating, which also made it easy for me to meet new people. At that time, a woman who was physically attractive and fun to hang out with was my only criteria.
I later realised this wasn’t enough to secure a great relationship with someone. My first two relationships didn’t work because I still had to grow as a person and my expectations of life were changing.
They didn’t work because we were on different pages and I realised a bit too late. My ‘filtering’ process was still a work in progress, so obviously I made some mistakes. I think that’s normal when you’re growing and changing.
Over time I realised I was looking for something more. It’s not just about her being physically attractive and being able to have a laugh with her any more. Now it’s more about what the girl is like emotionally. What her personality traits are and which are more prominent. Is this woman career focused, family focused, or somewhere in-between? Will she be a good mother? (Yes, I would think about this even the first time I met her.) What a woman values in life, what she believes in, and what her weaknesses are, are all important to me now.
A woman who isn’t supportive of my goals, or who doesn’t have a vision for herself, or is stuck in some kind of cycle, is the kind of thing that’s a deal breaker for me. Things like this reduce the opportunity for us both to grow together as a couple, and would only hold us back.
A while ago, the woman I was dating showed her true feelings when it came to something I was working towards, and this made me question any future we could possibly have. I felt she really didn’t have my back, and had her own perception of how she wanted things to pan out, on more of her own terms rather than a future we made together.
She said she ended the relationship because I wasn’t gujarati and she was, even though we were the same religion. I get the impression it was actually because she didn’t like the venture I was working on – because it involved meeting and talking to a lot of girls. Perhaps I could have made her feel more reassured about it, but I think her insecurity was too great to handle. Bottom line is, it didn’t work out.
After going through these ups and downs, these are my deal breakers now:
Not potentially being a good mother to her (future) children
No goals in life
No encouragement for me to be the best that I can
Not having a positive and broad outlook on life and all it has to offer
From my all dating experiences, I have taken learnings and applied them to any future woman I have met. I realised doing the same thing over and over again would surely bring about the same results, so I always made sure I took action. Ultimately I think I got into relationships too soon with these women, without looking at the bigger picture. I wasn’t looking for the things that really mattered to me.
I took some time out of dating to rethink my approach. I needed to decide what I really wanted in a woman, and what I wanted out of life.
Dating is just one element, and I felt I needed to attend to the other areas in my life and reflect critically. I knew that once I was happier with myself and what I wanted, I could date properly.
Now I’m in a much better position to make a judgement on whether I should take things further with a woman, based on my past experiences. Now I make sure to remember the areas of my past relationships that worked, and which ones didn’t work.
Now I know how to carry my positive experiences forward and find a girl who is right for me and my life.
Thanks Adeel for sharing your journey with us. It’s great to see that you’re taking all the correct steps to find the girl and life that’s right for you.